Confusion. Too many voices. All clashing in horrid noise. I can’t distinguish that one voice anymore. That one voice that guides me, that protects me. What is right? What is wrong? It’s all jumbled. I can’t find the right words. How do I know what the right thing to do is when people I’ve always believed in tell me different things? What voice do I follow? But I continue to pray.
So many things. Too many things. Lessons to learn. Years to grow. When will my heart finally be ready to obey? I don’t have the strength. I’ve tried. Struggled. Suppressed desires and feelings only for these feelings to be renewed, stronger than ever just by a single kind word (Why did I talk to him?). By one dream (Sometimes I wonder why God lets me dream about “him” just when my feelings are under control). By one slip of the tongue (Why did I have to talk about him?).
Trials in life. Year after year. Lesson after lesson. Each day I learn to grow. Hope to grow. Pray to grow. There’s no use worrying about tomorrow. Tomorrow is unknown. What is known is that I place all my hope, all my worries, fears, burdens in God’s hands. Freshman year it was my brother. Sophomore year, my mom. This year, my dad. But there’s no use asking why. It’s life. It’s a part of growing up.
I pray that I will hearken unto God’s voice instead of the voice of man. Fear God, not men. God’s voice is the one voice, the ONLY voice to follow. Guiding. Leading. Where? I do not know. All I can do is trust. Listen. Obey.