This past weekend, I was totally alone.  I had the whole house to myself.  So I decided to be independent.  I went to two bookstores, including one that I had never been to before.  It felt really good to do whatever I wanted all by myself.  Then I decided to be a good “big sister” on Sunday, so I cooked dinner for my friend who lives on campus and gets yucky dorm food all the time.

But then the weekend was over, and school started again.  Then I started thinking about the future, which got me panicking.

Relentless winds of winter
Oh how they chill my soul
And wild rains from heaven
Crush my hopes as a mocking foe.

I shiver from shame
Heart frozen into fear
No fire can melt it
I draw my ragged blanket near

A blanket of memories
Warmth of the past
The coziness of the familiar
Summers that never last

The future’s uncertainty
So cruel, so cold
How will I endure it?
For I have no warmth of hopes to hold.

After I wrote this in class, I went down library walk.  And I saw like 5 people that I knew, which is very rare.  I even saw a girl that I haven’t seen for a year and a half.  She was doing random evangelizing, and she asked me to join her.  So I did.  And after that, we were just talking about life.  And she reminded me once again that no matter what I do, I’m doing it for God.  God holds the future.  He provides.  Even if I don’t succeed in getting a job that pays well, I still have to believe that God will provide.  It’s the trusting in Him part that I’m struggling with now.  It’s just cool that everytime I get depressed, God sends me a reminder of His love and tells me to be joyful because He IS my HOPE.  And I do have Him to hold onto all the way through life’s bumps and falls.

I was supposed to go clubbing in Pacific Beach for my friend’s birthday, but I wasn’t sure if I should go.  I wanted to celebrate with her, but I’m not into the whole drinking and dancing and flirting the whole night away with shady guys.  I wonder if I should have gone just to make my friend happy though.  I feel kinda guilty.

2 Comments Add yours

  1. bingfyre says:

    wow… cool šŸ˜€
    I have the same fears about the future too.  and i find the same comfort.  keep pressing onward!

  2. Hi Christina! It’s true that we need to trust that God will provide the right job for us and that he has our future in his hands. I’ve been learning and struggling with this too.You shouldn’t feel guilty about not going to your friend’s birthday thing. If you’re not into drinking, dancing, and flirting with shady guys, then don’t. If you did go, it would be best to have a buddy with you who can keep you company and won’t do those things too. It wouldn’t have been fun for you, and your friend would rather see you having a good time than being miserable. You can still celebrate with her in a different way.

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