Do you ever just feel…..nothing?  Like this feeling that really can’t be described.  Not happy, not sad, not angry, not excited.  Not even indifferent.  It’s just like this empty nothing.

My baby cousin was born yesterday in China.  She’s a girl.  I’m happy that I have a new cousin.

But…..

Just…..mixed feelings.  Certain feelings I must show on the outside to mask the other feelings I must forever keep bottled inside my heart and soul. 

I can’t really talk about it with anyone.  I don’t think anyone would really understand. 

I know I’m supposed to talk about it with God, and I do.  God’s the only one who understands.

But sometimes….I wish I had another person to talk to.  Someone who will understand me better than my parents and my friends.  Someone I can tell everything to…my hopes, my fears, my dreams, and he won’t make fun of me.  Someone who truly loves me just for being me.  Someone I can hold after I’ve had a nightmare so that I can feel safe again.

And I’ve decided that I will not get married if he doesn’t really love me or if I don’t really love him.  Because it’s better to remain an old maid than be unhappily married for the rest of my life and fall into all sorts of pits of sin like those I see around me.  Men and women who I believed to be good and kind and true.  They have made wrong decisions, rushed into marriage, ruined their lives. 

I refuse that kind of life.  God will provide.  People are flawed.  They cannot be depended upon.  But God remains constant, perfect, loving.  And He will provide.

4 Comments Add yours

  1. bingfyre says:

    just as long as you don’t incorrectly define what it means for him to love you or for you to love him.  people are flawed.  and that “someone”‘s love for you will be flawed.  but it doesn’t mean he doesn’t love you!
    flawed love shouldn’t drive you to be an old maid šŸ˜›

  2. phie1116 says:

    Your faith encourages me so much. But yeah, I know, it’s hard to wait on God, and sometimes the people in our lives don’t understand. And lots of times they can’t give us what we are looking for. Sigh… what a sad selfish world we live in. God has so much work to do here on Earth, and he chooses to use US! Wow. Let me share with you something that’s really been on my heart recently: 1 Cor 7:34. Singleness is just another phase in our lives, and it is such a precious time. There is so much that God can do with us now before we do get married and settle down.

  3. phie1116 says:

    Okie, Christina, that’s what I had written the first time before I got distracted by the phone. Good talking to you!!

  4. I think a person’s flaws are what allow a person to grow and learn to improve themselves. No one’s perfect, there wouldn’t be any point to go through life if every thing is perfect. I think love is what allow two people to accept each other’s flaws, not really a perfect thing to begin with and might not last forever, but with some work form both sides they both learn to change themselves for each other.

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