Do you ever just feel…..nothing? Like this feeling that really can’t be described. Not happy, not sad, not angry, not excited. Not even indifferent. It’s just like this empty nothing.
My baby cousin was born yesterday in China. She’s a girl. I’m happy that I have a new cousin.
Just…..mixed feelings. Certain feelings I must show on the outside to mask the other feelings I must forever keep bottled inside my heart and soul.
I can’t really talk about it with anyone. I don’t think anyone would really understand.
I know I’m supposed to talk about it with God, and I do. God’s the only one who understands.
But sometimes….I wish I had another person to talk to. Someone who will understand me better than my parents and my friends. Someone I can tell everything to…my hopes, my fears, my dreams, and he won’t make fun of me. Someone who truly loves me just for being me. Someone I can hold after I’ve had a nightmare so that I can feel safe again.
And I’ve decided that I will not get married if he doesn’t really love me or if I don’t really love him. Because it’s better to remain an old maid than be unhappily married for the rest of my life and fall into all sorts of pits of sin like those I see around me. Men and women who I believed to be good and kind and true. They have made wrong decisions, rushed into marriage, ruined their lives.
I refuse that kind of life. God will provide. People are flawed. They cannot be depended upon. But God remains constant, perfect, loving. And He will provide.