I really don’t think anybody can comprehend how I feel right now. I feel trapped in a dark cave with no light. I want to see the light–but it seems so impossible. This is reality for me. I can see my future right now–taking care of an unnamed person who was born with a disability beyond my comprehension. I can’t even ask God why it happened to me because I asked for this “present.” Is it my fault? Deep down inside, I know it’s not. I know all the right Christian answers and I know how I should respond to these situations. But why is it so hard to accept the answers?
I wonder if God’s mad at me for doubting Him. No, I don’t doubt the existence of God; I doubt that He will make everything right in the end. What if God says, “This is your life–and even if you pray hard, it’s going to be this way. Nothing will change.” I mean, God tells people “No” many times. And what if the answer to my prayer is a straight, flat-out “NO!”?
Gosh, I haven’t complained in my xanga for so long. I’m sorry.