Today, I’d like to tell a few stories of people I’ve known in the past. More specifically, guys I’ve known and am no longer friends with, nor would I wish to be. Guys who, if I ever met someone similar, I’d surely run for the hills.

The Tale of Mr. Lukewarm

Izotz Darryl Pyrrhus. Let that be his name. Look it up. He was someone who was cold and hot but neither at the same time. Lukewarm. Mr. Lukewarm was a guy who knew how to say all the right things to win a girl over, but he would never commit. He would shower her with attention for a day, then ignore her completely for three weeks straight. He was the king of half-assed compliments, words that could be taken as compliments, but not really. “You look so grown up today.” “You’ll make some guy very happy one day.”

He was the guy who seemed to like a girl, yet also seemed to be waiting. Not committing because he most likely believed he could find someone better.

He moved on, never talked to the girl again, not even to acknowledge when she wished him a happy birthday. So she moved on too, and she was better for it because she learned a valuable lesson. NEVER fall for another Mr. Lukewarm.

Moral of the story: If he likes you, it should be obvious. Cold or Hot. It’s impossible to be both. And if he’s not willing to give you his heart, don’t give him yours.

Mr. Think of Me as Your Brother and I’ll Just Look Through Your Wardrobe

Let us call him Harmless Harry. The guy who says you’re just a sister to him, yet he wants to hang out with you everyday, and when you don’t, he’ll give you the cold shoulder for a week. The guy who insists he’s only doing you a favor when he goes through your closet to tell you why every piece of clothing you own might appear skanky to other guys and you should no longer dress that way. The guy who thinks you wear too much makeup even though you barely remembered to put on cover-up this morning.

So the girl decided enough was enough and put him out of sight, out of mind.

Moral of the story: If he tries to dress you the way he likes, he’s probably got issues of his own. Most likely perverted ones.

Mr. Unload Baggage on First Date

And his name shall be Sir Bagsalot. The guy you’ve just met in person for the first time, and he can’t stop talking about his previous failed relationship. The guy who says he likes that you’re so innocent, not just once, but repetitively throughout the night. The guy who implies he wants a virgin next time, and you’re thinking, “Thank goodness we’re in a well-lit public place because I ain’t becoming this dragon’s virginal sacrifice. Time to get out the pepper spray.”

Then out of pride, he pretends he’s not interested because obviously you’re not, and that’s that.

Moral of the story: Online dating may work for some people, but not for me. Plus, if he’s commenting all night on your innocence, you’ve got to wonder if he’s into S&M. Not cool. No Fifty Shades for me. That’s not my thing, sorry.

Overall Moral of the Story:

Yup, I’ve got some other tales to tell some other day. But thankfully, I am not jaded. Yet. I’m just grateful for the nice guys I have met and am friends with.