Fears by the Dozen (AKA My Greatest Fears)

On a weekend reserved for lovers, I picture gazed upon old friends and memories.

There, under the light of the almond slivered moon, all was clear until the sudden fog let out a sinister laugh, twirled its old, white moustache, and made its descent into the world. The clouds settled low, the fake sky of an indoor mall, and I drifted into slumber.

My dreams made no sense. Not quite a nightmare, but still a lingering ghost. A singing stranger girl lulled a high-pitched tune as she tried to climb through my window. Her words floated in the morning air even as the notes of my wailing alarm pierced through my sleep.

I drove through the darkness, and the fog thickened. I turned Taylor up on the radio, but even she couldn’t shake it off.

Surfacing like dust in the glow of afternoon light, thoughts about life appeared. Fears.

I wondered if other people feared similar things, and it turns out they do and that they’ve blogged about them.

So I decided to blog about them too. Because somehow writing them down just makes me feel better…no longer just phantoms floating in my head, but exposed by the light. It helped me to read how others have similar fears, so maybe if someone reads my fears, they can also take comfort in the fact that they are not alone.

  1. Dinosaurs, crickets, and the dark. Dinosaurs not really being extinct. Every time I’m really stressed, I dream that dinosaurs are taking over the world and stomping on everyone. And crickets that jump over my head. Crickets infesting my house. Crickets in general. Things that can hide in the dark—real or imaginary.
  2. Talking on the phone. I don’t know why, but I’ve always been scared of talking to people on the phone, which is weird because I don’t see them. I must have screamed, “Hallelujah,” when I set up my email account and when text messages were born.
  3. Crowds. People. Introvert that I am, they’re all out to steal my energy. I can’t breathe when I’m trying to move through a crowded place.
  4. Freefalls and losing control. Not being able to change my mind once the decision has been made. Of making the wrong decisions.
  5. Losing people I love. Losing my cat one day. Being left behind, in an old people’s home with no visitors. Being left behind, in the Biblical sense.
  6. People finding out I’m an imposter who only pretends to know what I’m doing and then exposing my imperfections to everyone.
  7. Friends who decide I’m no longer cool enough to hang with them, that I’m too boring, and then they go find other friends and no longer want to spend time with me. Friends who decide I’m not good enough anymore.
  8. Falling in love with the wrong person. Loving someone more than he could ever love me. Wasting time on giving part of my heart to someone who doesn’t deserve it, or thinking about someone who probably isn’t thinking about me. Never falling in love at all. Starting a relationship with a friend and then losing his friendship forever if it doesn’t work out.
  9. Being overly cautious. To the point of never taking risks and then looking back in regret that I never did anything to even try to achieve my dreams. Getting stuck for years in a job that guarantees I can pay my bills but that I don’t really love.
  10. Letting other people’s opinions of me affect how much I value myself. Of caring too much what other people think of me. Of constantly seeking approval from others and letting that affect my emotional well-being. Of letting those opinions change me into someone I no longer recognize.
  11. Failure and the fact that I won’t try anything I think I might fail at. I’m not sure what’s scarier—the many missed opportunities that I know I’ll regret when looking back one day or potentially failing if I do try them.
  12. Becoming a hypocrite. Succumbing to compromising my beliefs because I was too scared to hold my ground. Compromising my beliefs because I’m too scared to be judged and hated by friends. Compromising my beliefs because I’m too scared to be alone. Compromising my beliefs in a hypothetical situation in which someone holds a gun (or a sword) to my head and tells me to deny my faith or I’ll die and then being too afraid not to do what they say.

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